Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was so excited when I learned that Rosie O'Donnell had a Heart Attack...then I found out she was still alive.

   If any woman says "I love you" to me for the first time, then I have the right to say "Do you have evidence to support that statement?"

   I think my yogurt went bad. I just saw it in the parking lot leaning against a Camaro & smoking a cigarette.

   if you don't like the way you were born, then try being born again

   When they cut up carrots for frozen mixed vegetables,they get all these perfect squares.What do they do with the curved part?I spent the better part of a night trying to reconstruct one from the bag and there were no pointy ends either.

   I will no longer use Facebook as a vehicle for being a wise ass.I will use it to uplift,edify and educate,as it was intended.

   My obsessive compulsive disorders bring boys to the yard. In alphabetical order

   Over the hill . . . is better than under it

   You know its going to be a bad week for the GOP when skinny dipping while drunk at a holy site isn't your party's biggest scandal.

   Not enough rap songs out there stressing the importance of eating carbs before drinking champagne. So you can remember that h0e.

   How are there 45 shows about storage units and 23 about pawn shops and not a single show about women doing yoga?

   I'm single by choice. Not MY choice. But it's still a choice

   Oh, happy day! This week, Hollywood will be celebrating the 25th anniversary of the release of "Dirty Dancing". Pardon me while I vomit.

   Everyone is addicted to something that takes away the pain.

   Religion is the greatest hate crime ever perpetrated by one man upon another.

   Google is my spellchecker.

   If you can't be there for her tears, then don't expect to be around when other parts of her start gushing either...

   I'm starting to believe that most people wouldn't be that much different if they were turned into actual zombies....

   It's cool when a band smashes their equipment after their last song. It'd be even cooler if Creed did it before their first song.

   Congratulations to Iggy Pop who has managed to find a way to look great for his age and terrible for his age at the same time.