Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GOVERNMENT.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot America? (Y/N)?

   Reading some of the crap on Facebook makes me want to go watch an R rated movie just because I know whiny children won't be there.

   If I let you control the music in my car, it means I would probably take a bullet for you.

   One of my buddies on facebook "liked" the movie 8 seconds. It said on facebook that "Dave likes 8 seconds." I bet his wife doesn't.

   To avoid identity theft when I die, I want to be shredded.

   I always wonder what the weather men in Arizona do with their time slot. "Well people all week, hot and no rain!" Back to you Jim.

   Just got an X-ray at the hospital and tried to crack on to the chick doing it........she could see right through me though :(

   I think the worst part about stubbing your toe is knowing a few seconds later the pain will come.

   Not all that glitters is gold. Take, for instance, glitter.

   Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back into the ocean so he can be in his natural habitat

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills, Since I'm sleeping on the couch !!!

   Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills!!! Her shittz going to fly!

   On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.

   I had so many great women in my life, yet I don't know where they're at... at least that's what I told the cops ;)

   Women are like Alarm Clocks. It's such a relief when they finally shut the hell up.

   Hell is just a place where they play Justin Bieber's music all day.

   Being in love is the smartest way of being stupid.

   If I only had a gym at home so I could finally not go to that one either.

   Science will never impress me till I can pay a hooker by swiping my credit card down her ass.

   I once met a guy who wrecked himself. He was always bummed he hadn't checked himself first. So sad.