Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please spare me the agony of listening to your relationship problems if you always end up with the same idiot.

   All I really need are two things: a lighter, and five minutes of being unsupervised.

   I value your opinion as long as you don't offer it

   “I vant to suck your hemoglobin.” -Count Dorkula

   I'd rather sink in my ephemeral dreams than float in your eternally absurd reality.

   Moses sent me an email from his new tablet, with ten attachments.

   Renault and Ford are coming out with a new car. It's a combo of the Clio and Taurus. It's called the Clitaurus. It comes in pink and male thieves won't be able to find it even if someone tells them where it is!!!!

   I'd say popping your trunk to release 10,000 butterflies is the most magical way to elude the cops.

   My healthcare policy basically only covers taking off my shoe to twist my sock around a little bit so the seam isn't right under my toe

   The Bible is a lot like those online Terms of Use Agreements. Everyone says they agree with it, but very few people actually read it.

   I do not, and never will, know my confirmation number.

   Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.

   Accidentally took a women's multi vitamin and I've been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.

   Just face it. Comparing England to America is like comparing the WNBA to the NBA…

   It should be an Olympic event to press "skip this ad" on YouTube before I find out what it was for.

   I didn't see a single Olympic wrestler use the sleeper hold or figure four leg lock...

   That custom taylored Italian suit can easily be ruined by the default Nokia ringtone......

   Why is it when you barely miss a 30 foot putt and everyone says it's a good putt? You make a 30 footer and everyone says it was luck…

   Of Course I talk to myself... Sometimes I need expert advice!

   Do what you love, but run like hell as soon as you hear the sirens.