Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

   What is the Beach Boys song Kokomo about?

   Trying to take something out of the oven without burning myself is like playing adult Operation.

   Why doesn't Mitt's wife want to be the first lady? Because she would have to move into a smaller house

   You ever get that feeling the case of beer is gonna rip and cans go everywhere? Well that just happened to me..

   It's amazing what a little paint will do. Women's faces have know this for years.

   Screw Olmpic soccer. If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 mins I'd go watch old security tapes of me sitting at the bar.

   I told my wife .. if she ever wanted to try anal sex, I'd be behind her all the way

   I think I'm going to sell everyone else out,,, And be the farmer supplying Life with all these lemons everyone's talking about.

   I sleep less, I'm tired. I sleep more, I'm tired. Life is impossible.

   Remember me? I was your friend when you were single.

   Looking at your textbooks and thinking, "What a waste of a tree".

   That depressing moment when you're bored of every song on your phone.

   Dear CNN, Thankyou for putting Gu Kailal as Top news today-Syria

   Atoms are what make us all Matter:)

   Sometimes it's better to keep what you know to yourself. You are not CNN.

   I am paranoid with an inferiority complex.. I fear that no one is following me..

   Me: "I'll have a Coke please." Waitress: "Is Pespi okay?" Me: "Is Monopoly money okay?

   When taking a picture of your mirror for posting it on facebook, please try to angle your camera a little or you'll end up in the picture. I see this mistake a lot

   My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry... In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.