Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a guy at work has the whispering skills of Samuel L. Jackson.

   Nobody at work will play bloody knuckles with me. I swear we've raised a nation of pansies. Now where's my latte and hot rock masseuse?

   The Divorce Judge told me I had to give my ex-wfie a vehicle, so I just Fed-Ex'd her an old broom...

   Things happen for no reason. This is why people invent gods.

   You never really know somebody till they catch you winking at their fiancèe

   I love wanking in the shower but I've been told that if I do it again, they're gonna revoke my gym membership.

   I've been desperate, but never "I'm all out of bullets so I'll throw the gun at you" desperate.

   "Does this suicide bomb vest make me look fat?" ~ G@y Terrorist.

   I'm not sure I did myself any favours when I shouted "Take it like a man!" during an@l sex with my girlfriend last night.

   "Any last requests?" I say..... The eclair stands blindfolded,,,, coolly smoking his final cigarette. "Yeah," Flick. "Eat-me."

   Ladies, that guy you hate is now doing some chick that will take every cent he has if that makes you feel better.

   Katy Perry rebounding from Russell Brand with John Mayer is like washing your mouth out with cat p!ss.

   Some feelings are hard to express, you just feel them.

   Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe it happened during a tragic accident. Regardless, stop staring, it's rude.

   I could probably beat Usain Bolt if we were both trying to get the last ice cream sandwich.

   The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.

   Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask "where am I?" and whatever they say I runaway screaming "Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!"

   When asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

   Entertain me with your boredom

   I have decided I am going to write erotica for the elderly. Excerpts from Chapter 1: "He wondered why she took off her Dentures. Later he could not thank her enough."