Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it appears as if Randy Travis has a major problem with alcohol... drunk, naked and threatened to kill the officers that arrested him last night for DUI... and a public intox. last Feb.? Wait, is he in the NBA or NFL???

   I don't speak Brazilian, but my tongue knows its way around it.

   76 Chinese Medals... imprint on back ....Made in China... Coincidence...I think NOT!

   SPOILER ALERT!!! Wish the Milk in my refrigerator had that on it

   How come tragic events never seem to happen to groups of clowns?

   Usain Bolt should be an unlockable character on Temple Run.

   Oh my!! I just witnessed Napoleon Complex at its best. This guy in a lil' 4 cylinder Prius with a loud ass muffler just stole everyone's attention.

   doesn't want to die, but if I have to, I hope to die in a way so spectacular they name a new piece of protective legislation after me.

   As a responsible parent, I like to teach my kids that it's not the person you hate...it's their guts!

   They say a a dog is man's best friend, but I don't even have enemies that'll look me dead in the eye while taking a sh!t on my carpet.

   If Facebook has proved ANYTHING, it's that the love of your life is someone you've never actually met.

   I don't run often, but when I do, it's with arms and fingers completely straight, super-cool gymnast style.

   Sometimes “I'm single” means “I'm drama free”, “less stressed” and “I refuse to settle for less.”

   Stop looking at your phone, he hasn't texted or called. But that's okay because he doesn't deserve a girl like you anyways.

   Bruh, if she's still driving around in a car that's full of Hellokitty apparel, then she's too young for you !!

   No wonder, the Chinese took the medal in Table Tennis in the olympics....their use to seeing small balls going back n forth.

   Can't wait to buy Randy Travis's new album "Down and Loaded"with the hit single "Pants On The Ground"

   I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food

   Let's observe a moment of silence for all the black women who don't have a Q or an apostrophe in their first name.

   I could never find it in my heart to kill another person, but I've entertained the thought of dancing on a grave or two.