Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I usually feel much better after I have evacuated all of the Westboro Baptist Church out of my colon

   What idiot takes a cab from Philly all the way to Bel-Air? And then he has the nerve to complain about the smell afterward.

   what good is my android when my toilets in a dead zone

   Sometimes I like to have a staring contest with my reflection in the mirror. It can go on for hours at a time but always ends in a draw. Well played reflection, well played.

   it safe to say the guys who drive the little 4 cylinders with the loud ass coffee can muffler also have a tiny weenie?

   when you are staring at your beautiful reflection in the mirror, point at it and say "YOU ARE AWESOME!" everyday and you will believe it. then trim your nose hairs because they are looking pretty disgusting.

   You yield at a circle intersection, you don't stop if there is nobody in the circle people!

   Today's menu: 1 gallon of attitude, 3 cups of sarcasm, 2 tbsp of leave me the hell alone, and a generous cup of shut the feck up!

   I'm old enough to remember when they had to put disclaimers on p0rn saying it was for "education purposes".

   Ladies, He's not looking at p0rn because he's bored with you. He's been dating his hands his whole life, and that's who's getting boring.

   Do video games cause violence? Why don't you ask these teens kicking all the animals at the petting zoo hoping they burst into coins.

   Piñatas are a great way to show kids that using assault with a deadly weapon is a fun way to get what they want.

   I was pulled over for driving a Ford Tempo without a cigarette in my mouth.

   Weren't the Olympics supposed to add bum fighting this year?!

   Lots of woman stay in relationships just to have somebody around to kill spiders and open jars.

   To think, millions of children go to bed every night without knowing what their Sleep Number is.

   Just took a sh!t in an envelope and sent it to Nicolas Cage. I think it'll be his best script yet.

   Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

   If sex burns a lot of calories as the experts say, then Rick Ross must be a virgin.

   Whenever you're feeling down, remember; you're the sperm that won.