Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love morning sex....... Ok I love it anytime.

   I'm hiding all my porn on VHS. Even if my kids find it, they won't know what to do with it.

   A walk of shame is always sad. Don't make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

   Ladies, if you want something fixed around the house, don't offer your man sex. Just start fixing it yourself. Your welcome.

   My neighbor is very weird. Every time I have a party, he invites himself to my house, goes to the fridge and takes back all the beers I stole from him.

   I hate people who kiss the boss's ass right after I compliment his new haircut.

   There's a special place in hell for autocorrect

   Curiosity just landed on Mars. I hope there will be a picture of the 3 titties lady..

   Its amazing that we as people get curious and it cost a lot of money we just say "nah... its not worth it" but when the government gets "Curiosity" They spend billions on it.

   95% of every relationship is navigating the question "Where should we eat?" without it turning into World War III.

   Substituting coffee for sleep is like substituting deodorant for a shower.

   NASA announces rover "Curiosity" landed safely on Mars. In a related story, Martians are reportedly furious over the death of their cat...vow revenge.

   Decided to spend my entire day alone in the car. Or as she calls it "shopping "

   Bought my first Bluetooth last night at a gas station. Haven't used it yet but it works great. I leave it in and people no longer look at me like I'm nuts when I talk to myself.....

   I wanted to stop for McDonald's this morning but the line was too wide.

   It's good to see Peyton Manning doing what he does best - pretending he drives a Buick.

   I bet homeless people think we're making fun of them when we go camping.

   I gave $10 to our local Little League team, just to be called an "Athletic Supporter"

   Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.

   The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a chihuahua