Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stay away from a place called, "Farm Fresh Restaurant". I ordered the chicken soup. A rooster walked up and teabagged his ball$ in a hot bowl of water at my table.

   I'm watching Olympics Women's Basketball. The USA is slaughtering China. I mean, the Chinese are so polite, they just hand the ball to the Americans, and say, "Go ahead! You make score!"

   Your Sunday morning bible lesson :And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."....... But John came fifth and won a toaster.

   You ask my name like you really want to remember it for the police report.

   My new puppy is acting like all my ex's. She just sits by the door whining to be let out.

   She cheerfully asked me "where were you all my life?" So I honestly told her "hiding in your bathroom" and now I have a restraining order

   Even when gymnasts screw up there is a line of people to hug them, lie to them & say "nice job". I wish I had that.

   The way my luck is going I wouldn't get laid in a womens prison with a carton of Malboros under my arm

   Bowling is my favorite sport because you don't have to run and there's beer five feet away.

   I think the Krispy Kreme fresh donut light is my Bat-Signal

   I'm terrible with women. Even my sex doll only wants to be friends.

   going to watch the Mars Rover landing tonigt just to find out if chicks really have 3 boobs there.

   Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my first divorce. At first I thought it had been a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.

   strange, I dont remember eating dental floss

   Millions of Martian cats are fleeing in terror, at this moment

   You'd think at some point, one of Antonio Banderas's friends would have bought him a hair dryer as a gift. I mean, they're only like $25.

   I am underwhelmed by the Mars rover landing pictures. You would think at this year 2012 we could get some colored pictures and video.

   Mars rover "Curiousity" has landed and less an hour later, something has stole 2 rims off of it...

   NASA didn't make that happen, someone else did!

   I love it when you push my buttons, baby. But touch my car radio presets and I'll have to push you into oncoming traffic.