Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   REALLY??.. You're on food stamps and using your IPhone 4 to complain about it on Facebook???.... This is why I sometimes feel like I should give up,,,,, why bother trying??

   songpop should get rid of modern rap and today's hits. neither have anything with actual music.

   Biggest disappointment ever: Seeing on the cable guide that The Karate Kid is on, only to scroll over it and find out it's the 2010 version.

   You know your getting old when "breaking the seal" means opening a bottle of Ibuprofen

   The U.S. men's soccer team failed to qualify for the Olympics this week,,,,, upsetting nearly 10 Americans.

   My wife said I have to stop watching Chopped after I packed our son's lunchbox with wild ostrich, candy corn, avocado & rainbow chard.

   The side effects of the new medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea,,, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   “I can't believe it's not butter!” - me watching Paula Deen use something other than butter as her first ingredient..

   If you get a recipe from a cannibal make sure it differentiates between ground chuck & ground Chuck.

   I Love when my Friends help to Identify themselves as Technologically-Retarded Idiots by changing their Status to: "WOW I cant believe that you can see who is viewing your Profile!"...

   Just remembering some of my elementary school days and chuckled when I remembered how sitting “boy, girl, boy, girl” used to be a punishment.

   Life is too short so don't dance with fat girls

   But it's a Stress Ball, I thought I was suppose to throw it at who, or whatever was stressing me out . .when I seen the blue and red lights flashing, and that loud siren. . . .wait, wha? How am I suppose throw it with hand-cuffs.

   I just bought a television! It's amazing the price difference between a 47 inch T.V. and a 50 inch T.V. is a couple hundred dollars! In real life for an extra 3 inches I would pay thousands!!!

   The Olympics are only around to make white people feel good at sports

   The noblest of dogs of all dogs is the hot dog , It feeds the hand that bites it !!

   My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

   So today Gays and Lesbians are going to chick-fil-a to kiss in protest of the company. I'm hoping to go to see Some hot lesbian action, but it will probably be a bunch of dudes sucking face. #DecsionsDecesions

   I should run for political office to see what kind of shit they bring up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

   The Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "IT'S NOT WORKING, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE , I'M GOING TO MOTHERS " I opened the fridge, the light came on, The Beer was Cold,,, What the Hell is she talking about !?!?