Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Actually, I WOULD wish that on my worse enemy.

   In the dark, it takes several minutes to find the hole and stick it in. Stupid phone charger.

   A few hours before your dentist appointment, you'll do the best brushing you've done all year.

   True Freedom: Taking a dump with the door open.

   Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

   YOLO backwards is OLOY, "Only Losers Obey Yolo"

   Shout out to all the 90's baby's, with no babies!

   "the govt doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs

   Was thinking about giving a f*ck today but... f*cks just don't grow on trees, you know!

   Considering my balance, my credit card has the best theft detection ever. It just says declined no matter what you try to buy.

   I'm sorry but after the 4th sneeze you are more likely to get a throat punch than a "bless you" from me... control that will ya

   My doctor prescribed marijuana for my constipation but said if it didn't work after a week to discontinue using it. Basically he told me to poop or get off the pot.

   DOUGLAS unscrambled = USA GOLD

   Obama got pulled over today and they asked him for his birth certificate and school transcript

   Stopped by the apple store to see if they have a better phone than the Samsung Galaxy S3......ilaughed

   Michael Phelps probaby just threw away any of his medals that weren't gold.

   Went for a jog tonight and saw a payphone and I was like ''WTF is that!!!''

   I've been Nominted for Facebooks New Award, Most Funny/Best Posts in 2012!.......In other news I lost my job, my wife, car, and all contact with the outside World!!!

   Saying ''Oh Yeah, I remember!'' when you have no idea what their talking about!

   Zombie kids are spoiled rotten.