Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope her spirit animal is a spread eagle.

   Confidence is maturbating with the lights on...blinds open...and the door unlocked.

   They should make the female swimmers wear a tube top & thong then maybe I'd finish before they did.

   My misery loves vodka, and hates company.

   Lets just reveal each other's baggage on the first date and decide whether this romance is even worth pursuing.

   Cleveland Browns sold for one billions dollars. Wow, the value of the dollar has hit an all time low...

   Bought one of those tennis racket looking bug zappers today. My god, where have you been all my life. What fun! Oooh, here comes the dog....

   I've got the solution to this whole anti-gay mess with the fast foods. I'm just going to open a pro-gay franchise and call it Chik-fil-HAAAAAAY *snap*

   Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poi

   I want to cover you in expensive things...like gasoline.

   Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poisonous.

   I stopped by the apple store and used their bathroom .. iPeed

   Dear douch%bag on the street corner yelling that he has more "swag" than anyone else in this city, do please tell me what store accepts "swag".

   Did you know that you can quietly be a republican, democrat or liberal?

   it true that ADHD came from some bored guy that screwed a monkey from the 70's?

   Running up to him yelling, "I NEVER STOPPED BELIEVING!" is probably a good way to get Steve Perry to sh*t his pants.

   OLYMPIC GYMNAST 2012: Jumps 20 feet in the air, defies all laws of physics, does 10 backflips, defeats voldemort, comes back down and lands perfectly on the balance beam while fireworks go off in the background. ME: I fall on face as I try putting socks

   I hate when I accidently run my hand over a piece of gum stuck under a desk!

   Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

   I went to confession and told the priest I had impure thoughts about other religions.