Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The serenity of the beautiful sunrise this morning was broken by the sound of a cat hacking up a hairball somewhere in the house.

   Hey people making fun of Canada : I think Bryan Adams & Nickleback were just warning shots,,,,,, Let's try not to REALLY anger them..

   Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.

   Cuba Gooding Jr...Show me the warrant!

   Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.

   Dogs don't care if Bacon is crispy or not!

   Now that Snoop Dogg has reinvented himself as Snoop Lion, I would like to congratulate him on his newest reggae hits. You look and sound great in the new Red Stripe commercials, Snoop!!! Hooray Beer!!

   I thought gold medal women's rowing was what happens outside pubs across Britain every Saturday night....

   So what's the best wine to bring to a job interview? Does anybody know? I got an interview tomorrow morning.

   So obama is a descendent of the first slave, thats such a convenient discovery around election time. I guess nobody thought about checking his family tree four years ago. ancestry.com also discovered romney's ancestors were the first slave owners..

   I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

   Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

   The list of artists featured in MTV Unplugged in 2011 up to the present tells you what kind of singers we have nowadays.

   You know its time to call it quits on that relationship when her shoes become more important to her.

   My failed brakes bring all the mechanics to the yard. And they like...(finish it off guys and make it funny)

   I need me a stress ball, because apparently squeezing people's hands isn't classed as good customer service.

   Ladies: that blood curdling scream you just heard was my warrior cry and definitely had nothing to do with a bee chasing me.

   Underwear, pants, then go outside. Underwear, pants, then go outside. You'd think I would have this nailed down by now.

   My first potential date since my breakup was canceled due to sleep. Also, her boyfriend might have been upset.

   Listen baby, You're the person I want to spend my life with for the next hour.