Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the teacher says you'll be working with partners then adds ''But I'll be assigning them!''

   My girlfriend was looking through my DVD collection. "What's 'Fight Club'? I've never heard of it," she said. It's good to see the system's working.

   I see you speeding up when I'm trying to pass you. Why couldn't you go this fast when I was behind you?

   "So.....you went to college to get a job and you have a job to pay for college." .....What a great economic system the Rothschilds & Rockefellers created!

   I know my limit....until I start drinking

   My ex has so many screws loose that she could open a hardware store.

   It's not true love until they offer to get decapitated, cooked and eaten by you.

   When all is said and done then there is nothing left to say or do.

   My dog pissed on the carpet so I made him smoke a whole carton of cigarettes. Dont blame me, I'm new to this whole dog training thing.

   I like to restate the obvious, it's important obviously

   Tomorrow can be just another day or it could be the first day of the rest of your life. Change happens by choice not coincidence.

   I've just spent the last 5 hours on mine craft accomplishing more than I ever will in real life

   Life ain't nothing but: female dogs and gardening tools!

   Wine is to women as duct tape is to men… it fixes everything.

   The people who deserve to live the best of life are the exact same ones living the worst of it.

   I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.

   You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   I've been constipated for 3 days now. I'm half expecting a ransom note from arse demanding money for the safe release of my next poo.

   Do you think superhero nemesis's use facebook to see who their friends are?

   I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.