Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The people who wear Bluetooth headsets always look like the people least likely to ever receive phone calls.

   Best Way to deal with High School Bullies: Grow up to be smarter, richer and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.

   Some people dream of success, others are awake & work hard at it.

   Sunglasses were invented so you can stare at me while you're with your girlfriend.

   The women's US gymnastics team is awesome! I have never seen more beautiful floor exercises, high bars or labia majora in my life.

   A famous rapper got high and did something stupid? Well now I've seen everything.

   I'm bored. Let's see, I'll take a pic of me with my dog, then tag it with 97 facebook friends, then watch 'em go cuckoo.

   Three reasons to stand up: 1. To get the remote 2. To go to the bathroom 3. Because you're the real slim shady

   There is a US volleyball player named Destiny Hooker. Apparently her parents were wrong.

   Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   Ladies, we men don't ask for much. We're very simple beings. All we want is food, sex, money, and silence. Feed Me, Fu¢k Me, Pay Me, & STFU. That's all!

   I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.

   India's population before the blackout was 1.2 Billion....After the blacout its supposed to gorow by another 300 million:)

   I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"

   Just realize its XXX Olympics. Why aren't the people naked when they get their medals??

   A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: "All we did was correct his eyesight."

   ‎"Dijon found himself spread upon a bed of lettuce, atop a thin slice of turkey breast....enveloped by steamy buns....garnished with a sweet, crisp pickle...." ~~ Excerpt from my new book "50 SHADES OF GREY POUPON"....

   so....I just got a Booty Call from Life....apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.... :(

   "Can't You Just Let Me Watch The Damn Football Game?" ~~ the Working Title of my new Childrens book, probably....