Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those womens volleyball uniforms look like what my Uncle Ralph wore to our 4th of July picnic

   "I apologize for my vauge statuses on Facebook, they were actually about you. Let's handle this like mature human beings instead." - Nobody Ever

   I don't trust joggers! It's just a little too coincidental that they are the ones that find all the dead bodies!!!

   I was asked if I believed in Astrology! Of course my answer was no us Sagatarians are very skeptical people!!!

   You know your ''OLD'' when your age is higher than the whole Womens Olympic Gymnastic Team!!!

   Some girls should be given a separate web space where domains start from 'AWWW' instead of 'WWW'

   I have yet to be intimidated by fancy wine lists thanks to my vast knowledge of fancy wines and my eeny, meeny, miny moe system!!!

   Nothing Screams "You're stuck in friend's Zone" like when she tags you as her brother on FB

   These XXX Olympics are not what I thought they'd be

   Either I'm seriously drunnk or gas prices are high again.... I just got pulled over by a cop on a horse!

   Since the UPS guy won't knock on my door like he should, I'm going to put a motion activated taser by the door. When I hear the THUD, I'll go get my package.

   Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane... ? What were they so excited about?

   Second black out in India in two days......They really need to upgrade those tech support phone line so this will quit happening.

   So apparently Justin Bieber is planning to visit the troops in the Middle East. Taliban, this is your last shot for redemption.

   The downside of being tolerant is all the stuff you have to tolerate.

   I buy cheap underwear because it's poorly manufactured and rips off easily without damaging his teeth.

   Good things may come to those who wait but better things come to those who know how to use their tongue.

   Ladies, if you get in an argument with a guy and you have no chance of winning, start playing with your boobs. Trust me on this one.

   Let's just say, if prematurely ejaculation was an Olympics sport, I would come first.

   Facebook: Where you can be who you wish you were.