Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   its no longer the little birdy that told you something. now days its "i seen it on facebook."

   I hate a liar more than a thief. A thiefs only after my salary. A liars after my reality.

   ah Summer. That time of year when you want sexy women to post bikini pics but only the fatties do.

   See a bug outside: Hi Mr Bug! See a bug inside: Die b!tch! Die!

   Hey, I just met you and girl you look crazy. What brands your make up, Crayola maybe?

   Nice guys finish last because they make sure their woman cums first. ; )

   Official sponsor and supplier for the London 2012 Olympic Games. ..RAIN !

   Before we had Facebook, we had actual friends.

   Weed is Illegal” “Yeah, so is the music in your iPod.

   True irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a pull out couch.

   Some of these jokes are so old Jerry Sandusky wouldnt even touch em

   What the hell is up with "Fun sized" candy? There is nothing fun about less candy.

   Don't text me while I'm in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my whole message.

   My phone dies faster than Chris Brown on stomp the yard.

   No matter how old I get, I think mooning people will always be hilarious.

   We have three types of friends in life: Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.

   Santa has elves. America has China.

   me watching the olympics making me feel fat

   gymnists used to look tiny and cute, now they look like they'll kick your @ss in a bar fight

   Skirts are so short now, the days of mirrors on top of your shoes are gone forever