Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm starting to think the Jackson family might have some problems.

   My voicemail greeting is just me strangling a cat while reading bible passages.

   A recent gallop poll shows that horses prefer trotting.

   I'm not watching the Olympics, but I've seen Cool Runnings, so like, I get it.

   Nothing angers me more than a prematurely broken shell in my Taco Kit

   I know "C.G.I." is getting more and more realistic,,,,, but I can almost always tell if a movie has real dinosaurs or not.

   If I had a dog,, I'd say "I have a bone to pick with you!" And then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone,, And we'd laugh & laugh & laugh,,,,,

   Hey republican..ssshhhh....you had me at "common sense"

   Sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish by using my voice to just sing in the car instead of to save the music industry..

   I wish I got as excited to see other humans as my dog gets when he sees other dogs.

   The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is sure, just talk about Passive Aggressive Club all you want... No, It's fine. Go ahead.. I don't mind.. WHATEVER..

   My refrigerator beeps for a problem, but it has trouble being more specific... "What's that, little guy? Timmy's fallen down the well?"

   OK..... Not making an Olympic Soccer joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   Whatever you do, please don't take off your...AHHHH!!! I asked you to not take off your makeup!

   If Costco doesn't start serving beer samples using a topless server, I'm seriously considering taking my business to Hooters!

   They need to put more spider poison in these air freshners .

   Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.

   I am only writing this so people wont think I'm loney while sitting at the bar by myseld....

   World population:7,018,521,683....just incase some1 starts feeling too important

   Just remember foks, when ya ask to borrow someone's phone....nobody takes the newspaper into the bathroom anymore!!