Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Statistics never show how many accidents each year are the direct result of a guy checking out some chick's ass.

   My wife is a liar! Last night I texted her and asked here where she was, she said with her sister Emma. I Was with her sister Emma!!

   German tampons should be called twatstikas.

   Just found $4 on the ground. Well, more like $2.40 after my ex wife claims her share

   I quit believing in reincarnation several lives ago.

   There's no recipe in this world that raisins can't ruin.

   Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?

   After a week in Miami, I realize it's not the heat, it's the stupidity…

   When people yawn, do deaf people think they're screaming?

   My girlfriends yelling at me for being "controlling." Funny thing is I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

   Thanks Iron Chef America. Ever since hot dogs were the secret ingredient my husband thinks he's Bobby effing Flay…

   You call it Russian Roulette I call it coming home from work every day.

   Feeling so old, the only thing I'm exercising is caution.

   The lingerie store at the mall has a buy 2 get the 3rd free sale, so you ladies can get your panties in a bunch.

   Hey evolution, how about a second liver?

   No joke, if I win the lottery I'm buying a full tank of gas!

   turns out I don't know the back of my hand as well as I thought I did.

   Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance! *this fb status had been approved and paid for by Alcohol

   I got in trouble at the movie theaters for putting a 'wet floor' sign infront of the door to"Magic Mike"

   If my posts DON'T much make sense,,, Well that's because I'm an idiot.... And If my posts DO make any sense,,, Well that's because you're an idiot...