Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Samuel L. Jackson knows he can turn down movies, right?

   Im starting to worry that my Guardian Angel is a crack head!

   Just came from the Library and asked the librarian Do you have any books on ''How to find a job'' she muttered Most likely in the ''Fantasy Section!''

   I'm always on my ''Best'' Behaviour...It just so happens my Best Behaviour isn't very good!!

   Today I will celebrate the opening of the Olympic games with my own feat of endurance: sitting at my desk all day...

   What is it about Adele's voice that makes me want to stick hot pokers in my eyes??

   I called 411 and asked the operator ''I'd like the number for Melissa Fontana in Silver Spring, Md. ''There are multiple listings for Melissa Fontana, Do you have a street name?'' I hesitated ''Well, uh some people call me Snake!''

   All my life I've wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the opposite of what you told them.

   Every week almost 30 people die from FDA approved drugs while Marijuana remains illegal with 0 deaths.

   Unless someone want's to share, I'm staying single because all the good ones have been taken.

   I was an Athlete in school. I Dreamt of running in the Olympics one day! Now, I dream of just getting my fat a$$ off the couch!!!

   My amazing existence should qualify as a community service.

   The guy who invented the first wheel was not that great.. The guy who invented the other three now he's a GENIUS!

   My kids are so disciplined they spank themselves. Though I think one of them is starting to do it even when he's not in trouble.

   I've been asking God to send me my soulmate. Either he's not listening or we've got very different ideas on how she should look.

   If you want to be successful in life just tell yourself this each morning ''I am smart. intelligent, qualified. now if a job wuld just come available I'll get it!!!''

   I hate when I mistake my finger for a fry.

   I was outback chopping ome wood with my ''ask'' and this woman walked up and ''axed'' me a question!!!

   Drove by an automated speed sign, it said "SLOW DOWN! YOUR SPEED IS 45MPH" It was right next the sign that said "Speed Limit 45 MPH".