Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don't give up your car when someone else drives drunk! So why would you give up your gun when someone else commits a crime with a gun?!

   Gonna dress in drag and head on up to Chik-Fil-A!

   President Obama said 1992's dream team was better than this year's Olympic basketball team. Which is interesting because a lot of people think 1992's president is better than this year's president

   Girls at parties are like parking spaces, if you're late all the good ones are gone, So when nobody's looking you stick it in the disabled one....

   Hey Dude with the Antique license plate. Just cause your car is from 1982 doesnt mean its an antique. Its a piece of sh!t

   Just pounded 2, 5 hour energy shots... Rap battled a stutterer, Lost... Played M.J. Fox at jenga. Lost... Played patty cake with E. Honda, Win!

   My car is really just a portable storage unit

   I would be the worst 911 Operator! ''Excuse me ma'am, I think you mean 'The Robber is over there!' Not over their or over they're!!''

   Women are just like Hurricanes, because when they come they're wet & wild! And when they leave they're taking the house and car!!!

   Rooster+Rooster=No Egg....Hen+ Hen= No Egg....Rooster+ Hen=Egg/Chicken........Now you know why Chick-fil-a supports traditional couples!

   I remember the days when I wasn't addicted to Facebook...I also remember eating, sleeping, going out, returning calls, making eye contact,

   Remember; It's always better to ask for forgiveness than for permission except when it's about @nal.

   kristen stewart apparently cheated on robert pattinson....perhaps she needs a bit LESS "sssparkle" and bit more FIREWORKS...this one will prolly drive him right outta the closet...

   The instructions on the shampoo were not clear enough and now I need help removing the bottle from my ass :'(

   I don't care who you are. If you can constantly make me laugh, I'm probably gonna wanna do you.

   I'm one of those guys who can eat whatever I want and not get pregnant.

   I told the NCAA I was a Penn State fan and they "vacated" my last 15 birthdays which restores me to my early 20's...Anyone up for a game of beer pong tonight? ツ

   O.K.,,, That's ENOUGH !,, This is the 3rd hose-fight I've broken up today,, And the 2nd one involving actual hoses......

   The reason you can't go back afrer going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.

   Did anyone else leave the new Dark Knight movie looking forward more to the next Anne Hathaway movie than another sub par attempt at the Dark Knight