Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!!!

   When I first met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate...

   So, Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.

   I want start up my own towing company in Iraq and call it "Camel Towing".....

   I didn't post this status somebody else made it happen!!!

   I need breakfast! If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   Scientist believe that coworkers are the main reason why humans developed middle fingers.

   Scientific Fact: The gravitational pull of cleavage on men's eyes is incredibly strong and cannot be fought.

   Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!......It'll take them an hour to pass the salt!!!

   It's all fun and games til you lose your wifi..........ok, wife!

   Dear Amy Winehouse, I would like to take this moment to congratulate you on a full 12 months of being sober, keep up the great work.

   The saddest part of Harrison Ford turning 70 is how easily he could still kick my butt.

   Everything I know about the metric system, I learned from watching Farva on "Super Troopers".

   Yo bro, I wasn't sold on you being a cool dude, but that tint job on your Neon really speaks to me.

   I'm so lazy, if autocorrect doesn't know the word after 3 letters I put my phone down.

   Felt I was deralict in my fatherly dutties...so I taught James the 'milk milk lemonadej childhood diddy....which he LOVED I might add.....

   Girls that call guys "dude" are usually lesbians.

   Some people's idea of living dangerously is watching p0rn with the volume on.

   My c**k was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once. But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.

   Mitt Romney's cat walked into a bar. Well, no it didn't. Yes it did. No it didn't. Yes it did.