Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only time to diet is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.

   You can't say happiness without saying penis. Coincidence ? I think NOT...

   My girlfriend asked me if could help her with her math homework. It confused the shit out of me, mainly because I didn't know my hand talked

   I don't remember what I got arrested for but I do remember the female cop complimenting my buns of steel.

   I hate when I'm spending a quiet night with my girlyfriend and the cops ruin it by arresting me for home invasion, false imprisonment, kidnapping and harassment.

   May the best drugs win..... London2012

   There is no problem so big that it can't be solved with a little self-delusion.

   Saying that "Gun sellers are accomplices to crimes" would be like me saying spoons made me fat.

   You can't control love. That's the best and worst part of it.

   Did anyone else notice the sound if you click the like button on my status?

   If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one?

   Chick-fil-a has been taking alot of heat for it's stance against Same Sex Marriage! To show they are progreesing with trhe times,they I'll be releasing a new food item today. The ''Chick on Chick'' Sandwich!

   I bet black unicorns have the biggest horns.

   Dear Guys who chew gum like a cow eating grass; Thanks for making it so damn easy to look classy next to you. Sincerely, Me.

   Free Tip: If a prostitute has nice teeth and carries a purse, she's a cop.

   It's that time of the night when I openly taunt my ceiling fan for not having the guts to fall and crush me in my sleep.

   Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes.

   Frogs always look like they just found out there's no free Wi-Fi.

   If I text with “Almost there!” I haven't left yet...

   I'm going to make a plethora of bad decisions today to help cover up the plethora of bad decisions I made yesterday.