Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the last two status belongs to a Dominican Beauty Amelia :)

   I don't want to brag, but lately I've been getting A LOT of attention from a Nigerian prince!

   My boss isn't paying me enough to have to work this hard at wasting time.

   Things you need to know about me: 1- I'm lazy 2- hmm, one is enough

   Listen, gorgeous... I love you so much I would suck out the venom if a poisonous snake bit you on the ass. But, I'm sorry, I won't swallow.

   I like my women like I like my coffee. A little bit gross and I wouldn't recommend them to my friend for fear of judgement.

   Are you tired of being fat and ugly?..just stay ugly and join the gym !!

   "Val Kilmer really was the best Batman." ~Nobody, not even Val Kilmer

   THONY DEVITO 07/17/2012 No matter how busy I am, I always manage to make room in my life to get unreasonably angry when an update I'm proud of gets no reaction.

   Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. Boobs are a great example.

   Who's this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?

   There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'. I am pretty sure it means 'stop timER' but I don't push it just in case.

   what's the definition of "egghead" it's what mrs.dumpty gives to humpty

   when is an elf not an elf? when she's giving oral sex she's a goblin.

   what's the difference between your wife and your job? after a couple of years your job still sucks.

   Maybe we should put the NCAA in charge of the Catholic Church too.

   I find that a ducks opinion of me is largely influenced by whether or not I have bread.

   reading Mein Kampf and training the cat in racial purity.

   woke up on the wrong side this morning, but then went indoors.

   throwing steak on the walls, hoping to create a unique world map.