Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bill the serial flasher was thinking of retiring, but he's decided he's gonna stick it out for another year.

   Just got this text message, not sure if it's spam:"Congratulations! You have won A £50 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   I would love to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

   Michael Vick announced that he is probably going to get another Dog soon! Dogs now are like ''Meow!''

   Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.

   I've been struggling with my laziness. I can't decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.

   I talk to an imaginary live studio audience when I'm making dinner.

   If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn't make me excited, pull the plug.

   I saved my girlfriends phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

   Your wife included! She enjoys it the most!

   A cure has been found for homosexuality. Lip balm - you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away.

   Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."

   The reason folks who don't work @ Walmart know the deficit was 11 trillion in 2007 is because they graduated from high school and their sister in-wife isn't also their mother.

   Thank you so much for waking me up at 7.30 this morning with your text informing me that I may be entitled to compensation for that car accident I had. That must be the one where I lost all memory of the whole day. Just send me a cheque and let me sleep i

   Last night I watched a TV show about burritos spinning in a circle for 2 hours before I realized I was really high & staring at my microwave

   My life advice to kids: In the end Blossom grew up to be Sheldon Cooper's girlfriend,,,, that's all you need to know.

   BTW,,,,,I'm wearing my Asshat crooked today

   Boy, the "Chiller" channel has dropped the ball this afternoon. It's showing a movie titled "Midnight Movie" where a deranged killer stalks movie patrons.

   Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Therefore, I am a potato.

   "Final Destination 5"... well someone doesn't understand the meaning of 'Final'.