Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met Eminem once, he was pretty awkward, his palms were sweaty, his knees weak, arms were heavy, vomit on his sweater already....

   Why did the snowman smile? Cause the snowblower was coming.

   What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full.

   While un-locking the door I dropped my keys this, and in one motion with lightning quick reflexes I caught them and punched myself in the balls.

   JUSTIN BIEBER: "I'm famous because I have thousands of fans and I am only 18." GOKU: "B!tch I have billions of fans and I don't even exist."

   why would you wan't to add me to your Birthday Calender, are you going to shower me with gifts? That's I thought so?

   Guitar Center is like Wal-Mart, but for musicians

   I don't mind going to work. It's that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.

   Sometimes, the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando a few times in your life.

   need a good reliable used car. Which dealership does Mitt work at? I hear he is a good salesman.

   so passed caring about how I dress any more. I just put on whatever makes me not naked and hope for the best

   the friend of a friend everyone talks about!

   Relationships are harder now because conversations become texting, arguments become phone calls, and feelings become status updates

   If sex beteen three people is called a threesome, and between two people a twosome, I now understand why people call you handsome!!!

   Find someone who will change your life, not just your relationship status.

   After I die, I want someone to periodically log in as me so it looks like I'm haunting Facebook.

   The only downside to Madonna not coming to Australia is that it would have been fun to briefly host something older than ayers rock for a while . We didn't want that lip syncing museum to thrust her kimono wings at us anyway

   People say drinking milk makes you stronger. I drunk 5 glasses of milk and tried to move a wall. It didn't work. Then, I drank 5 glasses of vodka and the wall moved alone!!

   I was walking down the street to work this morning and a guy was sitting on the sidewalk. He held out a cup of change and asked "spare change?". I said "sure, thanks man!" And took the cup. People are really nice in Tacoma.