Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's have sex? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   You know you're getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.

   If you're not still a little drunk on Monday morning I'm not buying your good weekend story.

   Mario Kart is more fun if you imagine everyone's fleeing the scene of a brutal homicide.

   How can this cop expect me to show him my license when he took it away last month? What an Idiot.

   Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It's so fun to watch them freak out!

   Any time I wonder if God exists, I think of women & I know he does. Coincidentally, this is also what I do when I wonder if the devil exists

   Bed is holding me captive. Send sex.

   I would rather pick up a used condom than your call.

   Always remind her to 'calm down' and 'be reasonable'. Otherwise she might forget those things and remain enraged

   You, lady are what's known as 'issues on legs'.

   It's Monday morning sweetie so do me a favor and shut your love hole. No, not that one...the one that makes words.

   If God made me in his image, does that mean he has a third nipple too?

   Just remember, Michael Jordan would not have been a six time NBA champion without the government building the roads that got him to the game!

   I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I'm driving

   Foghorn Leghorn would have made a terrible, I say, would have made a terrible, I saya terrible poster.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat

   Saw a baby goat rescue a baby sheep........ I kid ewe not

   Romeo and Juliet is Not a Love Story... It's a 3-Day relationship between a 13 year-old and a 17 year-old that caused 6 Deaths. Sincerely, -Everyone who actually Read it.

   I can see you're upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should elimnate any more drama.