Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm almost drunk enough to comment on a YouTube video.

   I had skylights installed at my place last night and I don't get why the people who live upstairs aren't okay with this.

   I wish I could illegally download clothes from the internet.

   Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"........................ Idiots.

   Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the a$$hole for tripping him??

   My Bucket List : #1. Rock down to "Electric-Avenue" #2. then take it higher..................(that's all I've got so far)

   Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.

   I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.

   Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: "Local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?"

   When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, "Okay let's do one more but this time don't squint

   Our FedEx guy keeps delivering diapers & formula but I didn't order any. And he cries when he holds the baby. Weird, huh?

   This shark attacked a defenseless surfer and bit him in half. What kind of animal would do something like that?!

   Yes, I'm aware I can't fly, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try if my chute doesn't open.

   The days of good grammar has went.

   Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don't want her to meet her competition right away

   I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!

   I can't even explain how my blow up doll makes me feel before sex. She really takes my breath away.

   My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.

   ok, time to get off my arse and do something... I can only read the same posts so many times then it feels like groundhog's day.

   You know times are tough when you are totally jealous of your friends shopping spree... at the dollar store!