Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said I never do anything for her so I packed her bags and put them outside.

   There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I'll kill you all.

   I can't even figure out a v@gina how can I be expected to figure out emotions too.

   No, no, no. I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you.

   Women never shut up...Especially during sex.

   To all the single ladies out there who for some reason own a cat, please don't show up on your date covered in cat hair, its a huge turn off. Sincerely, every man in the world.

   Anyone know where I could find a bunch of "Glad You Aren't Here" postcards to send out when I go on my vacation in a few weeks? I'll need about 50 of them.

   Direct TV can't afford their bill with Viacom..... Guess they shouldn't have spent all their money making that miniature Giraffe for the commercials.

   What is wrong with me!!!?........asking for a friend.....

   Crap....all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.

   Saw a lady with back boobs at the beach. People with back boobs should wear backini's.

   Its almost Barf day. That day you get one more year older want want to barf but can't so you induce yourself with booz until you do.

   Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.

   Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.

   They're relea$ing two $eparate film$ ba$ed on the 3rd book in the'Hunger Game$' trilogy. I'm $hocked. Totally $urpri$ing.

   If you told me 100% of serial killers were "morning people" I'd believe you.

   Summer where all the days run into each other and every day is a saturday night!

   Pintervention: When an intervention is needed to drag your sig. other or friend off of Pintrest.

   What do you call it when 2 guys fight over a slut? Tug-of-whor

   Only trust people who like big butts... they cannot lie.