Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to get behind something I totally believe in. I believe I'll have another doggy style.

   Before there was roofies, a caveman would just club a b!tch and take her home. That's why they call the hook up spot "The Club"

   if I screw up things between us, then it probably means that I like you.

   I think of some of your Facebook st@tus upd@tes during sex just so I can last longer.

   It's very dangerous to tweet and drive; you may end up with TYPOS!

   "Oh, I already have that one." Is a good thing to say when someone shows you a picture of their kid

   OK... This Addiction with raking has got to stop,,,, If you pick up that rake again,,, I'm leafing....

   If you ignore me, I'll ignore your posters when your cat goes missing. Mostly because your cat and I will be too busy playing in my basement

   You find love when you're not looking for it, and you can't find it when you really want to. It's sh!t like this that makes me drink.

   The older I get, the farther apart I spread my feet when I use a urinal. Soon, I will be doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme split when I piss.

   Word on the street: Johnny Depp is single. The other word on the street: You don't stand a chance.

   I don't know what's wrong with me and it's too expensive to find out.

   I'm gonna stand outside a strangers house tonight with a lit candle & tell them it's in remembrance of all the people I killed there.

   My Indian stripper name is Dances With Daddy Issues.

   If my dog could open beer bottles I'd probably dump my girlfriend

   Tell me to calm down one more time. I dare you!I double dare you!

   Ladies; If you can't cheer him up with a bl0w job, theres nothing thats gonna cheer him up

   My wife looked different today then it dawned on me. Her mouth was closed...

   Edward Scissorhands was beaten mercilessly by the school bully, Edward Rockhands

   you don't need to thank everyone on facebook for your birthday messages, they were not sincere.