Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

   If laughter is the best medicine, I'm practicing without a license...

   I'm probably not the first person to notice, but the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical.

   Keep your friends close, and your enemies in a freezer.

   Lock a vegetarian in a room full of Jack-O-Lanterns and then give them some bath salts.

   I can't wait for the MLB all star game!! Said, no one ever...

   Thanks FB, for reminding people I haven't seen in 15 years that it's my birthday. Now my day is complete!!

   I've been waiting for this moment ever since I got up... goodnight!

   It`s going to be sad when the wife finishes the 50 shades trilogy ...Not cause of all the sex and stuff , but because then I won`t be able to watch sport in peace .......

   shopping list....plastic bags 4 bucks, gloves 15 , knife 20 , rope 5, duct tape 6 , black mask 6....the expression on the face of the counter guy...priceless...

   sitting close to a kid with ADHD. It's like ADD but the symptoms are more vivid.

   You guys are like my stuffed animals that I would line up on my bed and have conversations with when I was little.

   Okay, I'm lost... Can someone please lend me Facebook: Seasons 1 and 2 ???

   OK..... Not making a Latin American joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   My pet rock turned 4,000,000,001 today

   A polaroid is what an eskimo takes when he wants to bulk up.

   My Wife's MENU has only two items: Eat it OR Leave it.

   Some dude just yelled at me for texting and driving...I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   As an unemotional person, I never thought pieces of papers would make me cry until I started to pay my bills

   I just killed my alarm clock. ~ it was about time