Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New machine at the gym,,, Brilliant!! but I couldn't take any more after 30 mins,,,,,, It did everything: Kit-Kats, M&M's, Snickers, chips......

   The only reason I wear sunglasses inside bars is to protect my eyes from when women pepper spray me.

   Sex before marriage is one of the sins that Christians say 'no we'll let this one slide'

   I have no respect for today's gangs! They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in ''West Side Story'', the gangs used to dance with eachother first!!

   ''Hey, How was your Blind date?'' ''Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce!''......''What's so terrible about that?''.....''He was the original owner!!!''

   I told my friend I think she needs a new doctor...I don't believe the technical term for a breast infection is a cheese nip

   Had one too many lastnight! Woke up to my neighbor mowing his lawn! .....I don't care, I am not moving! He's just going to have to mow around me!!!

   I sure do act like I know a lot for someone who falls over 3 or 4 times per week while putting on underwear

   I have a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it

   I've noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I'm getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime

   If Obama had a son he would be unemployed........

   I had formed an opinion of this Lazy Guy, and then I thought, until I have walked a mile in his shoes, so I did! Now I know he's Lazy and has Athlete's Foot!!!

   Friday is my Second Favorite ''F'' Word!!!

   The Best thing about the internet: It's available to everyone. The Worst thing about the internet: It's available to everyone.

   The awesome moment when your staple puller becomes a back scratcher and your leg starts shaking like a rabid dog~

   Today is International Kissing Day!.....Who wants one?...Wait, let me put my teeth in First!!!

   People who say you can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.

   if you've got a body that won't quit, I might as well sit back and relax.

   I only trust people that like big butts, they cannot lie...

   If you Happy and you know it thank your ex!