Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope Jessica Biel names her first kid Batmo.

   Wettest June in ages, guess its because of 50 Shades of Grey

   Remember... Sometimes you have to sacrifice the fat kid to save yourselves.

   It's so hot outside! I'm sweating like Obama trying to find his birth certificate!

   It's so hot outside. I'm sweating like Rick Ross and two big girls riding around in a Prius with no AC

   It's so hot outside! I've been out here 10 minutes and I'm already wetter then Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards.

   It's so hot outside! I'm sweating like Jessica Simpson in a spelling bee!

   I acknowledge most people by completely ignoring them.

   I let the dog out. I do so about a dozen times a day. I see no need for a three and a half minute song about it.

   Extended forecast = AWESOME!!!

   Just been on bigbustycoons.com What they do with those buses are amazing!!

   Marriage is for men who miss staying with their parents.

   Dear Crush, If your "shower brb" was intended to make me imagine you naked.. Mission accomplished!"

   If I say, "yeah...totally" when you're telling a story, there's an 80% chance I stopped listening and just want it to end.

   The Internet. All of the piracy, none of the scurvy.

   Sometimes God doesn't giveyou what you think you want.Not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve better.

   I'm available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.

   The next person who says its not the heat, it's the humidity will learn its not my fist, it's the impact.

   Girlfriend wanted to go skinny dipping. I said your not skinny enough to be dipping. And that's how the fight started.

   My house is so messy, I swear when I walk through the front door I hear the "Sandford and Son" theme song playing.