Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Monday is like a kid having sex for the first time...it came too soon!

   I read your timeline only to realize how normal I am

   Bacon Scented Douche, For that Just Porked feeling!

   So that's why I work so many hours, so you can collect Welfare, wear pajamas in public and have an iPhone.

   Money cant buy you happiness but its better to cry in a mercedes than on a bicycle.

   Hit "Like" if you're tired of everyone on Facebook telling you to hit "Like."

   The cost of living has got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she cant afford batteries

   Then God said, “Let there be Internet drama”; and there was Internet drama. And God saw that it was good.

   I just don't get you people who prefer the cold over the heat. The best times of my life are spent being hot, sweaty, and naked. Not cold, shivering, and bundled up.

   when I have a headache , I take 2 asprins and keep away from children . jus like it says on the bottle.

   Wives want a video record of the birth of their child. Husbands want a record of the conception.

   I'm still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.

   "I'm shocked Anderson Cooper came out." said no one.

   Thanks, autocorrect. I'm sure she's dying to know about my huge peninsula.

   You use Google every day but I bet you can't remember the order of the colors

   I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people

   just heard Anderson Cooper announced he's gay. Don't worry ladies, you still have a shot at Lou Dobbs.

   Anderson Cooper likes it in the pooper. :/

   Anderson Cooper comes out just in time to give Tom Cruise a run for his money in wooing John Travolta.

   Some people are here for laughs. Some for therapy. Some for sex. Me? I'm here to learn the difference between your and you're.