Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Tequila flavored condoms would be a huge hit in Mexico. Vodka for Russia and Burgers with Fries for the U.S.

   Guys, flowers die, chocolates make'em fat, shoes wear out & stuffed animals are boring. Don't be stupid, give her rocks. They last forever.

   Nice lips. When will you be closing them?

   Ladies; if you're not prepared to drink the whole bottle of wine, don't even uncork it.

   If you thought the waitress gave you excellent service, is a 20% tip appropriate? How about a slap on the ass?

   My innocent look never works in the nude.

   Apparently watching your lover sleep is only romantic when they know who you are.

   I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won't stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.

   bring back always on schedule never on time

   Brace yourselves... Everyone on Facebook is about to become a constitutional scholar.

   ‎4th. of July celebrations should be cancelled due to the lack of any real Independence...

   Little Boys shouldn't play Big Boy games.

   Breaking news: future editions of Monopoly will feature interchangable spaces for what are now Income Tax and Luxury Tax. Players will have the option to choose from the words "Tax," "Penalty," or "Fine," because, clearly, words no longer have meanings

   Call me a rank nostaligist, but I possess an almost misty-eyed fondness for the pre-face eating era...

   What the heck is there a "z" in "LOLZ" ... Laugh Out Loud... Zebra?

   It's so hot outside, Our hummingbirds are demanding red gatorade!

   People in Arkansas are curious if this health plan is going to cover tooth whitening.

   OJ Simpson has got 2 things every man wants, a Heisman Trophy and a dead wife.

   I Just unlocked the 'Five Naps in One Day Achievement' in the game that is my life.

   saw Magic Mike....pissed....no Magic Johnson,no Mike Jordan and not one freakin Basketball!!!!