Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got this text message, not sure if it's a prank:"Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."

   Turns out Smart Cars also make great fridge magnets.

   Some french fries are excellent, and other french fries are just an acceptable way to eat ketchup.

   I had a girlfriend that said she was leaving me because I was so arrogant! I told her to close the door on her way back in!!!

   Never trust a woman that has friends.

   I can almost always tell if a movie doesn't use real dinosaurs

   I am so bored. I just spent an hour staring at an ant, trying to locate its peehole so I can put a grain of salt in it. Do ants drink water? #scratching head# I figure if I make it drink water, it will have to pee sometime.

   If it looks like a B!tch, talks like a B!tch, and acts like a B!tch! Congratulations you met my EX!!!

   I'm not afraid to admit that I will put on on the first date ladies.

   You can only say WTF so many times in a day before you just start drinking!!!

   How is ''Doable'' anything but a compliment!!!

   I don't understand how people get eaten by sharks.....how do you not hear the music?

   I'm not Crazy, I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a Lunatic!!!

   I once knew a group of friends, Ross, Joey, Chandler, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe but they're not there for me anymore.

   THE BRAIN--->FORGETS WHAT I WANT TO REMEMBER AND REMEMBERS WHAT I WANT TO FORGET

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records" and "shallow grave."

   LIKE if you hate hearing the sound of your recorded voice.

   The suggested friends list usually falls into 2 categories for me anymore. Either "Who the hell is that?" or "I should of done things to her mouth when I had the chance."

   My pool is safe for swimming again if you guys wanna come over. No way snakes can survive now with the amount of gasoline I dumped in it.

   Someone wrote "retard" on my car window. Took me ages to lick it off