Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   glad Alex Trebek's life isn't in *puts sunglasses on* jeopardy.. actually I really don't care.

   Whale Wars is pure garbage ...have they even saved one whale?

   I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously... But how many does it take? I'm like on 396.

   Pick a number between 6 and 6 that represents the number of doughnuts I have had today.

   I thought my Doctor was totally crazy for giving me LSD to treat my constipation, until I saw a Fire-Breathing dragon and sh1t myself!

   Well I failed my drivers test today. The instructor asked me what I do at Redlights, and I said, "Text and Facebook"

   When I meet people, I choose whether I like them solely based on if I think they would be fun to get drunk with.....

   I think we can probably stop worrying about who let the dogs out.... They're probably dead by now anyway.

   I will not chase you after anyone anymore!.......If you walk out of my life, I'll hold the F-N door open for you!!!

   oh, So you go to 'the university of swag'? be sure and put that on your Mcdonalds application.

   The only people mad at you for speaking the truth! Are those living a lie!!!

   If Monday hd a face......I would knock the $h!t out of it!!!

   Where do I purchase one of those filters that goes between my brain & my mouth?

   I'm not short; I'm concentrated awesome. :)

   Walmart calls them "self-checkouts," I call them "I might not pay for some of this."

   Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship?

   I'm not saying she is a slut, but she calls her underwear "ankle warmers"

   Girls want a guy who is "funny and spontaneous", but when I tap on a girls window at night dressed as a clown, she flips out!

   If you take the vowels out of FEMALE you get FML. Coincidence? I think not

   Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."