Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someome "rubs you the wrong way" its your fault for letting them rub you." And not telling them how to rub.

   Never judge a man 'till you've driven a mile with his wife.

   I do what I want, when I want, where I want! If my mum says it's ok.

   There's a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the "close this ad" button.

   I come from a long line of people waiting to get in.

   FACT: There is nothing that says “douchebag” better than a Facebook profile picture of your car.

   The brochure for my new camera says that the shutter speed is so fast that you can photograph a hummingbirds wings in flight, or a woman with her mouth shut

   I do what I want, when I want and where I want!! if my wife says it's ok.

   I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

   Every rule has an exception, especially this one.

   When you are a kid, ''I'm going to tell your mom!'' is the scariest sentence ever!!!

   SAD NEWS in the music world, Solja Boy is working on a new album.

   I used to be jealous of skinny girls until I realized they've probably never tasted bacon.

   Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month.

   Nothing makes a man happier than his son being on the cover of a Wheaties Box! His daughter on the cover of Business Week! His girlfriend in Playboy! And his wife on the back of a carton of Milk!!!

   For relationship rules to work, always keep changing them and don't tell the other person what they are.

   Gay divorce proceedings - "You can have the belts, I want the shoes, we share the hair product and moisturizers. Weekend access for the dog"

   I wish the dollar store sold sex.

   Moonwalking into exam rooms is how I let patients know they are going to die.

   I dreamed about you slowly unzipping my pants, but I know that's just a fantasy. Because I'm not wearing pants.