Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I posted my suicide note on Facebook, it already has 124 likes...

   Bar Rules for MEN: No shirt, no service. Bar rules for WOMEN: No shirt, free drinks.

   Shoutout to all the girls that can't update their status because they told some guy they tired...& going to bed.

   So Last night.. The pizza man left my house and asked me for a tip.. I told him "Don't Trust These Hoes"

   heyy Good work! everyone trying to take down big corporations with their statuses on facebook, posted from macbooks, paid for with credit cards.

   Now what shoe size does your face take?!!

   It takes 42 muscles for you to frown! But only four for me to extend my middle finger to you! Fck off!!!

   ive started drinking raw milk.

   While checking my balls in bed this morning I was disturbed by a lump. She woke up.

   pride comes before it falls....

   My Wife tld me her fantasy would be to spend the night with George Clooney! Then she flipped out when I told her mine! Apparently, ''Melanie the lady with the nice body next door!'' wasn't a good answer!!!

   There is nothing better than putting on a warm pair of underwear fresh from the dryer! I even like to scan the laundramat to try and figure out who they belong to!!!

   First, Love Yourself!..........Everyone Else, get in line!!!

   I just love waking up in the middle of the night, to find I still have hours to sleep before I have to be at work!!!

   As you Mature, you learn that you cannot make someone love you!.....All you can do is Stalk them and hope they panic and give in!!!

   Please be patient! Even a toilet can only handle one A$$hole at a time!!!

   Here I am!.......Now what are your other two wishes?!!!

   As I've grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible! But pissing everyone off...that's a piece of cake!!!

   You know what's easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.

   my family deals with the heat like it does other family members; by resenting it until it goes away