Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop reading this and go have some sex

   More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of vodka named Responsibly.

   Whether the Heat loose or win tonight, I'm not drinking...... I dont care if you find that funny or not, but the Beer is laughing at me.

   So two lions walk into a bar,,,,,, they ate EVERYONE,,,,, it was a horrible evening.

   √-1 2³ Σ ╥ ....and it was delicious.

   I do feel that it is appropriate for us all to get on our knees and thank the good Lord that spiders do not fly.

   Favorite alcoholic beverage??? ...the one that has the alcohol in it...

   One time I smashed my face into the keyboard and accidentally wrote the 4th Twilight book.

   Some of life's best lessons are learned while watching your drunk friends.

   How to freak someone out. 1. Find someone on Facebook with the same name as you. 2. Steal their profile picture. 3. Poke them.

   *Spoiler Alert* Batman dies of throat cancer on The Dark Knight Rises .

   It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean...it's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..

   It's so hot in my house. I'm sweating like a cat in a Chinese restaurant.

   You're not the dumbest person I know but the potential is there.

   You ever typed slower than your mind thinks? Yeah that just happened to me...... It was funny in my head, but when I read it I was like...clearly to much beer!

   I guess I have to set my phone on OKC mode this weekend........No Rings!

   (rj) Condom packages should come with warning labels... "caution do not use with alcohol!! may cause feelings of disappointment and utter disgust the morning after"

   Tonight's weather: TROPICAL DEPRESSION FROM MIAMI HEADING TO CLEVELAND....

   Lebron's inner monologue when asked about cavaliers fans: "I want them to resize my ring so I can show it to them in my middle finger"

   *Breathing hard* Today, I finally ran for 1 mile without stopping. STUPID ice cream man just kept driving even though I waved my money in the air...