Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my women like I like my chemistry… hard to understand and capable of blowing up at any time.

   Dude fell at Walgreen's & my CPR training instantly kicked in! Had to hit him with the AED (defibrillator) like three times though, because he kept resisting.........

   For a long term relationship to work the amount of times she's a pain in the ass has to equal the amount of times he causes pain in her ass.

   As I caress your firm roundness with my hands and press my face into your pink flesh your sweet juices run down my face. I love watermelon!!

   Everything has a purpose. The burnt fry is used to scrape off half the mayo on the burger…

   I put my phone on "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air! ...Worst transformer ever.

   If you're going to have sex with a stranger, make sure you are stranger than them.

   I bet cats are pissed they can't sit on televisions anymore.

   Woke up this morning swearing I could smell pancakes, but it seems I was just smellucinating.

   My garter snake don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

   Lick me like a lollipop.....but don't mistaken me for a sucker.

   The people in my office believe less is more. The less the women wear, the more of their work the guys will do for them.

   Hey I just met you and You're kinda Crazy  So lose my number  Don't call me lady

   Okay guys thats enough. Let's all agree to stop drawing on Lil Wayne while he's passed out drunk.

   Some people are never happy. They pray for rain then gripe about the humidiity...

   LeBron James hairline got a back court violation.

   Texting 101: (Oh) = stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f**k you. (Fine) = f**k it. (I guess) = I don't give AF.

   My favorite compliment of late was,,, "you're SO funny,, but seriously, are you ok?"

   I hate when people write thing like "b4" instead of "before." It's English, not Bingo.

   Cell phone, I dont know why you keep capitalizing VODKA, But I like the way you party....