Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that somewhere every 3 second a woman gives birth on this planet? I think we should find this woman and stop her.

   Camel Toe Contest..... My place...

   Marriage is a workshop.........The husband works & The wife shops

   Why do they subtitle "Swamp People"?

   If you feel like the world is passing you by, you must be obeying the speed limit.

   If you say married people aren't having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

   I don't know all the answers but I do know you'll probably feel better if you set something on fire.

   Don't worry if you're sad and lonely and having a bad day, the sun is shining anyway because no one cares.

   I haven't had sex my wife in a year and she's 6 weeks pregnant. Take that people that don't believe in miracles.

   I used to think the brain was the most interesting part of the body. Then I realized what was telling me that.

   I just finished reading "50 shades of Grey" by Sherwin Williams. I don't see what all the hype is about these paint broshures.

   Be as smart as Wikipedia, but think like Google

   Where is the sun today? Maybe I should put my batman suit on?

   I like a bit of badassness in a girl

   Thanks lady in line at the fast food counter ordering your sandwich with 10 special requests for reminding how awesome being a dude is…

   The best part about this status update is that by the time you've finished reading it you realize that there is absolutely no point to it

   No thanks bar hag. If I wanted a boozing, chain smoking, pot bellied skank, I'd stayed married…

   Ugh. Do I really need to register to your website to leave a comment? I just need to disagree with this assh0le real quick.

   Leaving a watermelon on someone's doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

   Thankfully restraining orders don't restrict freedom of thought!