Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You remind me of my pinky toe. You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight

   Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest thing I'll ever get to being a damn magician.

   Even if women came with a set of instructions, men would toss them aside without reading them.

   You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.

   How are you feeling today? Like a tampon. In a good place... At the wrong time.

   Ahh, Subway. It's the only place on Earth where you can force a woman to make you a sandwich and she can't tell you to f$ck off.

   Go ahead and play "hard to get"...I'll be over here playing "don't give a s$it"

   Slut: *Facebook status* describe me with a commercial slogan <3 Me: So easy a caveman could do it.

   How come you can wear jeans everyday and nobody cares... but you wear a shirt twice in one week and you're suddenly homeless?

   Sometimes I want to ask certain people, "So you looked in the mirror and thought you looked good enough to go outside?"

   Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don't worry, worrying is also bad for you too

   Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.

   A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder. 

   I'll let my dog ride with me to the store just to wait in the car for the sole purpose of him not assuming I'm doing something fun every time I leave the house.

   bring back Gay jeffrey!! I always used his stuff that he put up!!!

   'm totally excited to hang out, again, too! Who is this? -Text from a slut

   So, my question has five parts. -Annoying person at a Q&A

   nothing worst then sitting in the waiting room before a checkup with a woman sitting next to you aggressively discussing her cancer, and it's makes you uncomfortable.

   Everybody Loves Raymond. Nobody Loves You.

   Why does Hollywood believe a self destruct button is a completely logical feature on spaceships?