Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear coworker listening to your radio at a low volume instead of using headphones: country music sucks just as bad on 2 as it does on 10.

   Once I was all over you, now I'm just over you.

   Everyone's gynecologist uses the term 'battle damage,' right?

   "Shia LeBeouf" sounds like the name of the venereal disease that will eventually rid the world of Kardashians.

   Fathers Day in a trailer park must be so damn confusing...

   Unbelievable. Rodney King has to die before the world found out he owned a pool.

   A friend of mine said onions are the only food that could make you cry. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

   Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.

   Marriage is like a casino...you go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

   So I'm confused. What's coming out tomorrow, Justin Bieber or his album?

   I met a girl in a nightclub last night when she whispered in my ear, "I want you to make me feel dirty and degraded." So I took her shopping in my local Wal-Mart Supercenter.

   it illegal to put "avenge my death" in your will

   Strangers have the best puppies & candy.

   You can't threaten me with Work when I came to Work.

   just poured a glass

   Im Always Tree Shoppin Like Its Christmas

   "Either Pray Or Worry, Don't Do Both"

   Ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t.

   I always enjoy sharing old memories w/ the @sshole from my old high school... while he is ringing up my groceries.

   During the stone age, long before Facebook, man was already experiencing the desire to express on a wall what he had eaten.