Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Towels are a scam... think about it - a towel is only a towel, but anything that's like pants or a sheet or whatever is also a towel.

   If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

   The last time she got 100% on a test it involved peeing on a stick.

   Good mourning...... I hope everyone had a Happy Father's Day, oh..everyone except Jerry Sandusky!!

   A Man is someone who can stand on his own two feet. A Boss is someone who guarantees we all eat.

   When I'm on a diet I order the shallow-fried chicken.

   I want to get to know you better like, Do you have any cake? What kind of cookies do you bake? & Where do you keep these cookies & cake?

   electrocuting the engineers.

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.

   Does not surprise me that those people abducted by aliens all get brought back.

   OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can't stop calling the addiction hotline....

   In the year is 2024.. Justin Bieber's cover of Mambo #5 has topped the charts for the past 10 years and has been declared the National Anthem.

   If cinderella's shoe really did fit perfectly, then why exactly did it fall off in the first place?

   Cigarettes are like hamsters. They're completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set them on fire.

   Two cars crashed into each other in Mexico. 57 Dead.

   If you watch my marriage in reverse, my wife pulls a knife out of me and gets back together with her ex boyfriend.

   If people are judged by the company they keep, then I'm in trouble. I've been hanging around with myself way too much.

   dn sı ʎɐʍ ɥɔıɥʍ ʍouʞ ʇou op noʎ ןıʇun ʞcuɟ

   How come girl's sweatpants always say things like Juicy, Bootylicious and Fresh. They never say accurate things like Sad,Menstruating or Cellulite

   Let's stop the hate and spread the love. Or STD's, as my doctor says they are 'technically' named.