Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank God I'm an Atheist.

   The desire to roll around in mud while getting tasered and scraped by barbed wire early in the morning eludes me. It sounds like rough sex without the safe word. #NoThanks

   Early to bed, early to rise, while your girlfriend does other guys.

   Life puts a continual set of roadblocks in our way. Keep knocking that sh*t down and move forward.

   I want to live on a deserted island. Not because it's tropical, but because I hate people.

   I wish I could enable cookies in my tummy's browser.

   Definition of hitting rock bottom: Stopping for a burger & fries so I could eat something on the way to pick up the pizza I just ordered.

   I'll fix your computer, but I don't do Windows. ~Mac repairmen

   There is NO WAY I could ever be an organ donor. I would, however, consider giving away my drum set.

   I wonder what Lebron got Delonte West for Father's Day?

   Facebook now lets you put a star on the people you want to follow more closely. I was going to do that until I realized... isn't that what Hitler did?

   Man people are really beating this Rodney king story to death

   Happy Father's Day to all the dads...and whoever's raising T.O.'s kids.

   Fathers Day in the ghetto must be so damn confusing...

   Burglars broke into Kanye West's home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

   Rihanna should date Lebron James.. He never beats anyone.

   I'm coming out of the closet. Not that! I mean her husband finally left for work.

   Being a FEMALE is a matter of BIRTH, being a WOMAN is a matter of AGE, but being a LADY is a matter of CHOICE...

   Dad, thanks for forgetting to use a condom and creating the greatest person ever!

   Shower = 2% Wash Body | 3% Wash Hair | 95% Contemplate Life.