Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently, armored truck drivers don't really like surprise hugs as much as I thought they would

   They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, I'm in a posh restaurant right now, and I've got a spider in a matchbox that says otherwise.

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party

   Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers

   If you've never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.

   I appreciate the transparency that the Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" and "5 second rule" are a bit much

   I really want a sandwich, but I just don't have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now.....

   I spend 500% of my life exaggerating!

   If I choose you over sleep, you must be f^cking special.

   I wish some people would leave Day Drinking to the professionals.

   I'm convinced half of you are on drugs and the other half should be.

   Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check?

   Do people who wear Tapout know that that's the name for what the loser does?

   Fighting for peace is like f^cking for virginity.

   The leading cause of depression is reality.

   It's hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but it's harder to pretend you don't love someone when you really do.

   Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship.

   It funny that when it's black on white, it's a crime. When it it's white on black, it's a hate crime.

   America... Where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.

   Just because ur wearing a metal mulisha shirt and ur tatted up doesn't make you a gangster... It means your trying to hard to fit in