Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bought my girlfriend Sarah Jessica Parker's perfume and I swear she smells like grass and hay now.

   Be careful and take this status update with you.

   How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

   A handprint in clay is a great Father's Day gift from a three year old. Kinda creepy from a thirty year old, though.

   I got 98.988 problems and rounding up is one of them.

   As another summer movie blockbuster season begins. Once again, Hollywood denies us a Jake and the Fatman movie.

   Women are evil!! Any animal that bleeds for three or four days and doesn't die has got to be demon spawn!!

   OK if you really want me to watch soccer so be it. but for the life of me I don't understand why the counter counts up????

   Wondering when someones gonna to tell America's Funniest Videos about Youtube...

   I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.

   hey marshellll the greatttt, we all subscribed to dane cook on fb, looks like your cover is blown

   What Marshal isn't stealing from Dane Cook, he is stealing elsewhere.

   And Stonner Duudde is stealing from Marshell, who's stealing from Dane cook! Stop the madness!

   Actually he is stealing almost all of it from msib

   hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm a dingo, I ate your baby

   Dating Tip: Don't!

   There is a thin line between love and hate. It starts about halfway through the joint.

   Dear McDonalds, if you start serving breakfast all day you will get more of my money. Sincerely, Supply and Demand.

   That chick has been passed around more than blame.

   "I wasn't that drunk" Dude you threw a sock at a midget and screamed "Dobby be free!"