Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone remember Tom's last name from Myspace? If he has a Facebook page I want to be his friend. I mean, he was there for me.

   Love is blind but hate has perfect 20/20 vision.

   This pill was laying on the seat on the ferry...should I take it?

   Never tell a woman to calm down when she's drunk, it's like baptizing a cat. It's not gonna work

   so tired from working... I wouldn't even take a blow job...

   People who don't like bacon cannot be trusted, end of story.

   R.I.P. To The B$tches Dying For Attention

   I like girls with curves, if I wanted to see bones, I would go to the damn museum.

   There's two kind of people in this world: People that use "lol" or "haha"

   Found out today you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house... just trying to help.

   If I had a year to live, I would spend it with my ex... because it would be the longest year of my life.

   Guys who say they like girls who don't wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.

   M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ Friday Saturday Sunday

   I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven

   If you still talk about it, you still care about it.

   If only the Olympics had an event that involved falling down and not spilling your drink...

   Preparing a romantic bath for my exboyfriend: candles, flowers, soft music, bath salts, toaster...

   At this point, group photos of Aerosmith are indistinguishable from publicity stills for a roadshow of "Cats"

   You don't drown by falling in water. You drown by staying there.

   a real woman rotates tha batteries in her remote wit tha batteries in her vibrator