Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am willing to promise my kids anything just so they go away for a while. I learned that trick from the government.

   If I had a cooking show, it would be called Do You Smell Something Burning?

   Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes sex drive by 95% - it's called Wedding Cake

   You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.

   Pregnancy- The number 1 cause of arranged marriages

   Girl at bar: "I'm the same size I was in college." Me: "Oh, you were a porker back then, too?"

   Relationships are for two people, but some people just don't know how to count...

   Well, it turns out my eye patch is actually something called a "Jock Strap" & suddenly I'm not allowed into the Pirate Party.

   People always ask why I am always so happy, I tell them I start my morning off the same as anyone, a glass of OJ in the am with breakfast- the only differance is the 5th of Vodka I add to mine

   Them gas prices going down like White girls in a college town!

   I want to hold hands and waste friday nights with you while we both getting wasted.

   I can turn any alcohol into vomit. Top that, Jesus.

   I'm a workaholic; I drink at work.

   sad that all it takes is a CAPTCHA to prove you're human these days

   So confused right now, don't know whether to join a gym or buy Photoshop.

   My biggest fear this Sunday is to open my front door and see a kid who I don't know wish me a happy fathers day.

   Swallow it dammit, it's good for you - Your Pride

   I'm not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724

   I'm pretty sure it was worse luck for the black cat that crossed my path than me, since I ran it over.

   I disagree revenge is a dish best served with arsenic.